Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Scent of a Man

So have you sniffed me lately? I have to confess that it has been over 20 years since I attempted to smell attractive. I’m a middle aged happily married family guy who hasn’t thought much about his odder for many a year. About 25 years ago I purchased a bottle of Obsession for Men. My odder objective was that some beautiful young lady would sniff me and find my scent delightful. My sexy stench would overcome my less appealing qualities and I would meet the woman of my dreams. Back in the day I had a smelling philosophy. The degree of cologne used is directly related to how pathetic one is. The greater patheticity rating equals the amount of cologne applied. In my mind I had patheticity rating of 6. This required six strategically applied Obsession for Men applications. In retrospect and in light of my flawed philosophy perhaps my rating was more like a 7 or an 8. The few young ladies who had the misfortune of experiencing this banquet of aroma undoubtedly received medical care after suffering excessive aroma exposure.

Thankfully my smelling philosophy mellowed after marriage. For the past 19 years my smelling strategy has simply been not to smell offensive. I would consider myself a neutral scented man. Much like Switzerland my goal was to be an odder appeaser. Gone from my toiletries was aftershave and cologne. My deodorant offers the greatest odder protection while not smelling of cheap cologne and my soap has always come in the form of a bar. I shower two times a day because a shower is the only way to start my day and a shower after work is simply necessary.

This past year my lovely bride Michelle threw a wrench into my neutral Switzerland smelling philosophy. We moved into a new home a couple years ago and our new home has glass shower doors. For the first year in our new home I showered happily with my bar of soap. One fateful day my wife informs me that she finds fault with my solid soapy friend. Apparently soap bars leave an undesirable residue on our glass shower doors. At first I pretended to care and I agreed to use this girly moisturizing liquid soap. I found this experience entirely unsatisfactory and completely unacceptable. First this girly soap did what it advertised. It moisturized my skin. I felt pretty. Second instead of leaving an undesirable residue on the shower door it left an undesirable residue on me. I demanded my bar of soap and my masculinity back. For two weeks all was right with the world. My solid soapy friend was once again in charge of keeping me clean and my shower door undesirable. Little did I know that my wife wasn’t going to give up the battle. I love my wife. I know she is smarter then I but that little conniving trickstress pulls over what I would describe as the Great Manly Liquid Soap Scam of 2010. Michelle returns from shopping with a grin on her face and with excited enthusiasm pulls forth a bottle of Man Soap. “Look honey I bought you Man Soap.” I had never heard of such a thing. “Hum a liquid soap dedicated to making men more manly.” This had to be some crazy trick. I apotheosized that woman dedicated to the eradication of soap scum invented this product for their own evil crusade. I hate to admit this but I really enjoy man liquid soap. It smells manly and instead of moisturizing my skin it leaves a very cool waxy film that acts much like mosquito repellent.
Needless to say I have just started my third stage in my smelling philosophy. I have recently embraced my slightly more daring The Scent Of a Man phase. I actually went out a couple of months ago and purchased Axe Body spray and Axe body wash. In the Axe commercials the ladies go crazy when they are exposed to this magical scent. I purchased this because I wanted to see if my wife would enjoy sniffing me. After two months of usage I have to confess that I have had very disappointing results. Michelle hasn’t commented or responded at all to my applications. My Son Noah told me last week that I smell like stinky cheese. I like cheese, but that isn’t the stench I’m going for. My epic aroma fail has made Stevey wonder “What do woman enjoy smelling?” I have some great ideas but I would really love to hear from you. Perhaps I can make some new colognes and make the world a better smelling place.

Stevey Wonders Amazing List of What Women Love to Smell
1) Bread.
2) Chocolate
3) Chocolate Chip Cookies
4) Coffee
5) Sauted onions
6) Freshly cut grass
7) Dew in the Morning
8) Christmas tree pines
9) Commitment (it smells minty fresh)
10) Leather

3 comments:

Krister said...

You are a genius.

erik w/a "k" said...

I like the smell of that ammonia type waft that hits my nose after running 10 miles. I like the smell of skunk. I like the smell of gasoline.

Jeni said...

You forgot rain! LOVE the smell of a fresh rainstorm!