Thursday, September 9, 2010

Clap On Clap Off the Clapper

We all have heard of a Pied Piper and we may all know someone with an infectious personality, but how many of us know someone who is a contagious clapper? My wife Michelle is an exceptional clapper. She developed this talent as the Drum Major in High School. To be honest with you I’m not sure exactly what a Drum Major does besides move their hands a lot and wear a tall hat, but one thing I do know, they must be able to clap. There are several reasons why my wife Michelle is an exceptional clapper.

1) That woman can clap loud. I mean freakishly superhuman loud. When my wife begins to clap there are dramatic changes in the atmospheric pressure. The oxygen is sucked out of the room and then sucked back in causing the walls to expand and contract. God once asked Michelle if He could use her clap as "The Voice of the Lord". NASA has also asked Michelle if she would fill in for the sonic boom when it takes a holiday and the Clapper (clap on, clap off) was named after her. Do you know the fake handclap recording that they play at sporting events to get the crowd into the game? Not a recording, it’s Michelle. You would think that my wife had hands the size of watermelons, however her hands are small, delicate, and supple. Her small beautiful hands has just increased the enigma. Those of us who have witnessed this first hand can testify to the sure awe that her small clapping hands can generate. I would dare call it miraculous.

2) Michelle’s clap is contagious. This is no lie. I have been in stadiums with over 30,000 fans and my wife (with minimal effort) will have an entire stadium clapping along with her. When she starts clapping an innate involuntary motor structure fires off in the hands of the multitudes. They can’t help themselves. They are clapping putty in her clapping seductress hands. Dogs, cats, farm animals, and fish aren’t even safe. Mothers bring there new born babies to my wife Michelle so that she can teach them to clap.

3) Michelle’s clap is always the first one. If you’re like me you’re a clapping grump. We clapping grumps don’t enjoy clapping along. Have you ever been in church or at a concert and your chillin and grooving to the music when out of nowhere someone begins to clap? At first you grumble and complain that someone started clapping and then slowly the crowd joins with the clapper. Now you are in a real dilemma. Do I join the clapping crowd even though I don’t want to?, or do I not clap and risk looking like I’m not interested? This battle rages in my mind and like a clapping lemming I give into the clapping peep pressure and I become the reluctant clapper. Well to all of my fellow grumpy clappers I have to confess that it is my amazing awesome wife who clapped first. I love the fact that my wife is a clapper instigator. She is a clapper leader and she brings joy and excitement into the room. All of us grumpy clappers aren’t allowed to sit on our hands because my wife is asking for our participation.

4) Michelle’s clap is on rhythm. I think one of the huge reasons why I’m a clapping grump is because I have absolutely no rhythm. If I were a clapping Super Hero as Michelle is I would lead the crowds astray. I would break every worship service and concert I attended. The reason I clap softly is because I clap poorly. Michelle is a clapping genius! Not only can she clap on the beat but then she can throw down these funky clapping rifts. Her clap is a musical instrument that accompanies the band and allows others to enter into the music. It honestly is a gift.

I love my wife Michelle! Her clap is loud, contagious, leading, and talented. Much like her. She still lights up a room and my heart! Michelle brings life, love, and joy to our world. It is who she is. She is an amazing gift and I’m so blessed to call her my wife. The next time you are at church, or a concert or at a sporting event and you hear a loud clapper, look behind you and perhaps you will see my bride leading the crowd in celebration. Clap on Lobster!


Josh Mann said...

You never fail to be precise, insightful and absolutely hilarious, it's a beautiful combo, keep wondering stevey! it's fun for all of us

Michelle said...

Confession... I'm a little broke now. At church I start to clap, and then stop. =( Can't help it... I'm just a loud clapper. Truly not intentionally, anymore. Just the way it is... and yes, I did get peeps clapping tonight. Clap on!! =)