Friday, September 3, 2010

My Alarming Alarm


This blog isn’t for the faint of heart. I would give it a PG13 rating so reader beware. I have thrown wisdom out the door and I’m writing about something personal so that God’s great sense of humor will be displayed in me.

“Hemorrhoids!” The doctor declared. This poor doctor just returned from where no man has gone before. I was feeling quite violated, embarrassed, and in painful awe of how far the human hand could extend when I began to wonder if perhaps he left his watch where the sun doesn’t shine. “Hemorrhoids!” I cried. Hemorrhoids is an evil punishment reserved for truck drivers and old under used gluteus maximums! “My caboose is neither old nor underused.” I quietly protested. “You have two options. “ he explained. “One, you can have them removed surgically, or two, you can manage them by losing 15 LBS and using a lot of Preparation H”. I was quite certain on that horrific summer day in my doctor’s office in Atlanta GA six years ago that I had no desire for anyone to probe my never land ranch any time soon. I opted for option two. I followed the good doctor’s advice and after much hard work and a couple of tubes of PH my back forty was once again feeling terrific.

The success to my hinny recovery is contributed to running. Three months ago I got a stress fracture in my foot from over running usage. I have been unable to run for almost three months. During the past couple of weeks the pain in my trunk has increased with every pound that I have put on. I have gained 10 LBS in recent weeks. A hemorrhoid in my opinion feels much like a hamster nesting up in your business. It itches, tickles, and hurts all at the same time. You must resist the temptation to itch otherwise your condition will worsen.
This morning I was vulnerably confiding with my bride about was dancing between my cheek to cheek when an amazing revelation crossed my mind. “God has blessed me with an ass alarm!” Think about it. Whenever I start getting out of shape my cooly complains. It lets me know I’m packing on the pounds and I need to get off my lazy butt and work out. Some people have Julian Michael's to scream at them in their laziness, I have my ass-istant.
I’m happy to say that I have joined a gym in hopes of nipping this in the butt. My goal is lose my 10 unwanted friends in four weeks. My dream is that this plan will lead me once again into posterior paradise.

4 comments:

Dudster's Spot said...

Steve,

You are gifted, keep writing and I'll keep reading. We all need a good "ass"istant! I confess, I was reading this at work and right as I scroll down to the giant tube of PH, in walks Jane Wolf ;o) No worries, but you may be getting a call to join a Life Path group. Wonder what they'll call it... Roids are Us?

Duds

Paula Hoffart said...

you are amazing.

Krister said...

1) You are my new hero.
2) My laughter at work was completely inappropriate.

erik w/a "k" said...

Am I one of those unwanted friends?