Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Keeping it White and Tight

We are by nature creatures of habit. Most of us enjoy the daily rituals that bring order and sanity to a chaotic world. I love that I sit in the same pew every Sunday. I love drinking out of the same coffee mug and I love that for 43 years I have kept it white and tight. In my opinion male underwear has completely gone metro. Let’s take a brief moment (ok that one was both easy and bad) and look at the evolution of the male undergarment. Back in the days, before undies, man was left to roam. Enough said. Chaffing and splinters were a big pain in the butt so some French guy invented the male under garment. Men everywhere enjoyed the loving security and subtle sense of freedom in what we now refer to as the boxer shorts. The gourd and loincloth became the garment of the past and only primitive cultures and frat houses utilized these garments. Just as the iPhone has transformed current communication, the advent of the elastic waistband revolutionized the under garment universe. With the elastic waist band came everything that man desired in his underwear. Security! Finally a plan with no roaming charges. For sixties years the elastic waist band (whitey tighties) has dominated the underwear Universe. Everything was right and white with the world until on one dark day some money hungry underwear apparel designer in 1979 decided to market colorful underwear to impressionable young boys. These under garments were cleverly called Underroos. They sold like hotcakes. Super hero underwear became a must have for every boy. Which boy doesn’t want to be a super hero?

These children are now grown up. They're now buying their own underwear and have boldly expanded the under garment market. Their underwear no longer has to be white and they distain any underpants that you can see a stain. The free market continues to lead these Underrooers astray. Now we have highbred underwear that crosses boxers with whitey tighties. Our boxers now are available in every imaginable color print and pattern. Worse of all (Do I dare speak this out loud) Men are flocking to bikini briefs! The greatest underwear rebellion has been a move to g-string briefs. (Lord please help me to erase that mental image.) The current state of the men undergarment market is in complete chaos. Fashion has blinded the male gender and now we are drunk on pretty panties. What fashion demon has bewitched us that we desire to be fashionable down under?

I would like to challenge men everywhere to abandon their ill-advised pursuit of fancy underpants. I understand the freedom and security issues that we men require. A man should be able decide between boxers and briefs, but it is time for an undie intervention. We as a gender have fallen down the dark stairwell of underwear vanity and have condemned future generations to undergarment narcissism. I personally vow to keep it white and tight. Please join me and, (for our children) put dignity back in our underwear. Listed below are telltale signs that you have become an underwearaholic and that you need professional help.
1) Brother if perhaps the underpants that you are currently wearing looks more like your wife’s it is time for you come back to the white side.

2) If your underpants cost more then $20 you are a sick man.

3 )If your underpants didn’t come in a six pack your vanity is leading you astray.

4) If the word bikini is found anywhere in the description of your underwear you have betrayed your manhood.

5) If you aren’t a plumber and your crack is showing, you should be ashamed.

6) If you have to use more then one color of the rainbow to describe your briefs you need help now!


Jeni said...

LOL! Okay I am about to wake my tighty whitey wearin' hubby at 3:15am with my giggling!! You are a genius, Steve and I know that I could not have said it better myself! . . .an undie intervention. . .LOL you kill me!!!

Steve said...

Thanks Jeni. I'm just trying to keep it real with my fellow man. I hope you are doing well. Please give our love to your family.