Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Daddy to the Rescue Part #1

Daddy to the Rescue Part One
A child’s paradise can sometimes become a parent’s nightmare. Such is the case with every play structure found in many fast food restaurants. When a restaurant serves very bad food they figure that the best way to entice adults into their cholesterol laden establishments is to seduce their innocent children with cheap happy toys, sugar, and super sized play structures. Unfortunately this lethal combination of fun and sweets proves to be one combo meal that brings the unwilling multitudes in by droves.
The typical parental dining experience consists of standing in line with extremely hyper children who want happy toy now, and who also want to play on the play structure now. The happy bad food in their greased soaked happy bags is now in competition for the happy cheap toy and the super sized play structure. Now for any reasoning adult, you know you are in a losing battle. Not that you would actually desire for any human being (little alone your loving child) to partake in this nutrition challenged cuisine, but they begged for it and you bought it. Your children then insist on sitting in the play structure dining area. This area is mopped with grease at least once a week the tables are sanitized with soft drinks. The sticky furnishings are quickly diminished by the chaotic ambiance of crazed children’s exuberance. Parents beware; you have just entered into their universe, they are hyped up on sugar and this is their dominion.
You now give your child the longing of their hearts, one greasy happy bag with one cheap happy toy. The bad food is quickly put to the side as your child pleads with you to open their cheap toy. At this point there are two schools of parental thought. The first is to deny your child of the cheap happy toy until all of the bad food is eaten. This is a tough and logical decision, however it will expose you and your children to extended time in hamster Hades, and it will be sure to contribute to the unpleasant ambience of your dining experience by subjecting the rest of the adults to your child’s wrath. The second option is to give in to your child’s wishes. I highly recommend the appeasement option. If you are honest with yourself, the whole fast food experience is all about submitting yourself to your children’s desires. Be consistent, give in. This will reduce both the caloric intake into your child’s sensitive digestive system and it will reduce your sentence in happy land on the count of good behavior.
The wonderful thing with the cheap happy toy is that it is cheap and highly forgettable. The average happy toy engages a child’s imagination for an average of 10 seconds. It is then put into toy exile for eternity. You can’t even give it to a poor child in China because they probably made it in the first place.
After your child eats one french-fry and one bite of their cheeseburger they now beg you to play on the super sized hamster play structure. In the back of your mind you know full well that you are sending your child into a bacteria science experiment. I have interviewed thousands of bacteria and their dream abode is the fast food play structure. Many children bring their happy meals in several different forms into this wonderful world. Corpses of french fries, burgers, and chicken nuggets strewn the corridors. Greasy walls and ceilings finger paint the structure. What isn’t for bacteria to love?
After a short while you hear a cry of distress. “Lord please may it not be my child. Lord please do not make me go in there!” The other parents are now looking at you. Do you deny your child? Do you send in your spouse? Find out about my rescue operation in Hamsters Hades in my next blog.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Help Wanted: Mom

Help Wanted:
One amazing individual. We offer no pay or benefits, little gratitude, absolutely no chance of advancement, and extremely long hours with little sleep.
Must be able to make three great meals per day, plus snacks, clean, do laundry, clean, chuffer clients to various events several times per day, clean, do more laundry, serve as Yard Specialist, clean, help with school functions and homework and as a Teachers Assistant.
You must be a nurse, clean, manage and purchase kitchen inventory, procure, retrieve and operate household equipment.
You must be able to lift over 50 LBS, and give great hugs.
You must be an Office assistant.
You must be an excellent Accountant, and operate on a strict budget.
You must be a Consular, and Spiritual Mentor.
You must be an Event Coordinator.
You must be of excellent moral character, and able to instill those attributes into clients.
You must be able to work a full or part time job to maintain and support clients.
You must be selfless, thoughtful, caring, compassionate, patient, kind, nurturing, and above all the very essence of love.
You must do windows.

Please apply for this position by submitting a resume and your life to the Unwin Family Household Disorganization. We are an unequal opportunity employer dedicated to taking advantage of you on a daily basis. Applicants will be exposed to excessive whining, complaining, and rude smelly bodily functions.

Kaylee, Noah and I love you. Thank you for being Mom. You are absolutely amazing! We so need you.
Happy Mothers Day.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Chick Flick Recipe

This past week was one of the most physically demanding ones of my life. I started in a new department at Nike. In Nike World you start at the bottom of the food chain and evolve into a predator that bosses around others on the food chain. In my last department I was evolved. In my new department I’m bait. I spent the week loading trailers. It is hard enough coming from a desk job to a hard core blue collar back braking grueling position, but to put in 11 hour days loading trailers was a test of physical endurance for the strongest of body mind and character. In my first week three new huge young well built guys quit because the work was to physically demanding. By the end of the week I was exhausted and as a result I let down my man guard and agreed to watch yet another chick flick. I’m now living in the world of regret for subjecting myself to a family sized bucket of Kentucky Fried Chick Flicken. If you have seen one chick flick, you have seen them all. At least in the Rocky movies and in the Star Wars movies they numbered the episodes. Why don’t they number the chick flick episodes?

The genius of the Chic Flick is that it evokes the emotional heart of a woman to idealistic romance. The cruel part of the Chick Flick is that it evokes the emotional heart of a woman to idealistic romance. The bad news for the men who suffer through the chick flick is it evokes the emotional heart of a woman to idealistic romance. Women resonate, identify and idolize the main character because they share her story. They long for romance; they desire to find their own amazing love story. Men find the Chick Flick emotionally sappy and difficult to stomach because we are just men. The Chick Flick robs us of our dignity, self respect, and mental well being, by forcing us to deal with life on an emotional basis. The truth of the matter is that the cute guy who wins the girl at the end of the movie doesn’t watch chick flicks either and the girl who falls in love with him loves that about the cute guy.

So here is my recipe for almost every chick flick. I have listed 21 ingredients. Most chick flicks contain 75% of these ingredients. Please let me know your thoughts.

1) Very beautiful young lady experiences hardship or trauma. Usually it is the death of her mother or pet hamster.

2) As a result beautiful young lady is quirky and slightly unbalanced.

3) Beautiful young lady is very likable and has good morale character, and though she is gorgeous, cute guys don’t notice her.

4) Beautiful young lady secret ambition is to be loved by the perfect man. Beautiful young lady is idealistic, hopelessly romantic, and painfully single.

5) Beautiful young lady has a cool job because she is strong, independent, and smarter then everyone else, however she is too humble to notice how awesome she truly is.

6) Beautiful young lady is liked by everyone and people always take advantage of her kindness.

7) Beautiful young lady has a best friend who is morally inferior and slightly not as good looking, but will at some point speak morale truth into Beautiful young lady's life. Best friend typically gives the speech in point #17.

8) Beautiful young lady always has a nemesis that is just as good looking, but is self centered, selfish, conceited, and rude.

9) Beautiful young lady meets a cute guy that is nothing like her idealistic dream guy.

10) Beautiful young lady is annoyed by cute guy and they exchange playful banter and intelligent arguments for most of the movie. The cute guy is the only one who understands her true beauty and is in love with her from the time they meet.

11) Beautiful young lady kisses cute guy.

12) Beautiful young lady runs away from cute guy

13) Very good looking nemesis steals cute guy.

14) Beautiful young lady realizes she to loves cute guy.

15) Cute guy is stupid.

16) Beautiful young lady and cute guy fight.

17) Beautiful young lady has a life changing awakening and overcomes her personal shortcomings.

18) Beautiful young lady kicks very good looking nemesis’s butt.

19) Very good looking nemesis loses cute guy.

20) Beautiful young lady kisses cute guy and they have premarital sex.

21) Beautiful young lady and cute guy get married.