Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Daddy to the Rescue Part #1

Daddy to the Rescue Part One
A child’s paradise can sometimes become a parent’s nightmare. Such is the case with every play structure found in many fast food restaurants. When a restaurant serves very bad food they figure that the best way to entice adults into their cholesterol laden establishments is to seduce their innocent children with cheap happy toys, sugar, and super sized play structures. Unfortunately this lethal combination of fun and sweets proves to be one combo meal that brings the unwilling multitudes in by droves.
The typical parental dining experience consists of standing in line with extremely hyper children who want happy toy now, and who also want to play on the play structure now. The happy bad food in their greased soaked happy bags is now in competition for the happy cheap toy and the super sized play structure. Now for any reasoning adult, you know you are in a losing battle. Not that you would actually desire for any human being (little alone your loving child) to partake in this nutrition challenged cuisine, but they begged for it and you bought it. Your children then insist on sitting in the play structure dining area. This area is mopped with grease at least once a week the tables are sanitized with soft drinks. The sticky furnishings are quickly diminished by the chaotic ambiance of crazed children’s exuberance. Parents beware; you have just entered into their universe, they are hyped up on sugar and this is their dominion.
You now give your child the longing of their hearts, one greasy happy bag with one cheap happy toy. The bad food is quickly put to the side as your child pleads with you to open their cheap toy. At this point there are two schools of parental thought. The first is to deny your child of the cheap happy toy until all of the bad food is eaten. This is a tough and logical decision, however it will expose you and your children to extended time in hamster Hades, and it will be sure to contribute to the unpleasant ambience of your dining experience by subjecting the rest of the adults to your child’s wrath. The second option is to give in to your child’s wishes. I highly recommend the appeasement option. If you are honest with yourself, the whole fast food experience is all about submitting yourself to your children’s desires. Be consistent, give in. This will reduce both the caloric intake into your child’s sensitive digestive system and it will reduce your sentence in happy land on the count of good behavior.
The wonderful thing with the cheap happy toy is that it is cheap and highly forgettable. The average happy toy engages a child’s imagination for an average of 10 seconds. It is then put into toy exile for eternity. You can’t even give it to a poor child in China because they probably made it in the first place.
After your child eats one french-fry and one bite of their cheeseburger they now beg you to play on the super sized hamster play structure. In the back of your mind you know full well that you are sending your child into a bacteria science experiment. I have interviewed thousands of bacteria and their dream abode is the fast food play structure. Many children bring their happy meals in several different forms into this wonderful world. Corpses of french fries, burgers, and chicken nuggets strewn the corridors. Greasy walls and ceilings finger paint the structure. What isn’t for bacteria to love?
After a short while you hear a cry of distress. “Lord please may it not be my child. Lord please do not make me go in there!” The other parents are now looking at you. Do you deny your child? Do you send in your spouse? Find out about my rescue operation in Hamsters Hades in my next blog.

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