Monday, April 14, 2008

Please allow me to flush.

Choice and convenience. We love choice and convenience. They are essentially woven into the fabric of American life. When we grocery shop we are inundated with both choice and convenience. Convenient one minute meals with hundreds of meals to choose from. Five hundred TV channels to choose and TiVo to watch them at our convenience. Choice and convenience walk hand in hand and make life easier. So tell me who was the person who forgot to tell the inventor of the electronic toilet about the immutable law of choice and convenience? Some laws were never made to be broken, and I'm afraid the makers of the electronic toilet have violated humanity.

How did the concept of the electronic toilet ever enter into existence? I imagine some guys with engineering degrees sat around a table and pondered the multiple ways that we can make the bathroom experience more enjoyable and less stressful. I'm sure the laziest guy in the room said " I really hate to flush, the last thing I want to do after I dodo is exert myself by turning around to push the button. Perhaps we can invent a toilet that will push the button for us?" Convenient, sure; choice; I think not.

There are at least two disastrous scenarios that can occur with the flush-o-matic, and unfortunately I have been a victim of both. The electronic toilet at my work is a wonderful example of why the electronic toilet violates the law of convenience and choice. (Please forgive me as I describe bathroom rituals. I know such things should never be spoken in public, but I'm at the end of my rope and I beg you for grace and understanding.) So I go into my favorite stall at work, let's just say that time is of the essence and I'm very anxious to have a seat. The first rule in public bathroom etiquette is of course to lay down the protection. (Just a side note about the protection. Life would be both convenient and far more enjoyable if the perforated protection center was actually not a part of the protection. I hate removing the unnecessary center, especially in dire circumstances. Sometimes the unnecessary protection circle is a great and mighty hindrance in times of desperation. Please go the extra step and sell the protection without the unnecessary protection circle.) After the protection is laid down "the" electronic eye now notices that an object has moved away from the seat and even before I can have a protective seat the electronic toilet flushes. Now when the toilet flushes it does two annoying things. First it flushes down my protection, and second it sprays nasty toilet water over my seat. This is when I delude myself into thinking that I'm smarter then the electronic toilet seat. My plan is sure speed. First the protection, and before the great electronic eye has a chance to respond I sit with speed and urgency. Someone once told me that I can't move faster then light. I should have listened because the electronic eye hates me and wants to make my back forty glisten with the dew of others dew. At first the nice cool mist is rather refreshing until you begin to think about the refreshing source. By this time I'm totally committed. There is no getting off this ride until it is done. The only sound my stall mate can hear now is my cursing of the great electronic eye. I have lost the flushing battle once again.

The second disastrous scenario occurred in the same stall. For some reason the geniuses who invented the electronic toilet never put in an escape hatch. After completing my transaction and putting all the pleasant sundries behind me, I stood up waiting for the great electronic eye to faithfully do its part. But low and behold the electronic eye has foiled my bathroom enjoyment once again. The electronic eye refused my deposit and would not flush. I then spent the next five minutes trying to figure out how to make the electronic eye obey my commands. I sat down. I looked for every button I could possibly find. I stood up. I sat down. To no avail. I had to leave my stall in defeat, leaving behind the fruit of my failures. I sprinted from my stall hoping someone would not soon take my place.

So my first blog is dedicated to the geniuses who have violated the basic laws of choice and convenience. I'm a simple guy. All I'm asking for is a lever to pull or a button to push, and for my life not to be humiliated, again, by the great electronic eye.


Michelle said...

Babe --- please just tell me you washed your least before you got home... I now have a better understanding of how difficult your work environment is...

erik w/a "k" said...

ahhh...ever so true are these you deal with. know ur struggles are not held on ur own. as a matter o fact, as I am commenting here I sit w/a wet posterior.

oh no...the paper is out! crap!!!

Melissa said...

oh my goodness....i needed this laugh!!! you are hysterical, and nike is way too sophisicated in their bathrooms :o)