Thursday, April 17, 2008

An Ode to Fashion...


I would like to personally thank the genius inventors who created stretchy pants. Yeah I know what you’re saying, “Stretchy pants! Only old people wear stretchy pants”. I would like to proudly proclaim to the civilized world that I wear and love stretchy pants! What’s not to love? For those of us who are fashioned challenged and who don’t mind a little ridicule, the stretchy pants provide amazing freedom and comfort. Never in all of human history has the elastic waist band been utilized with such skill and craftsmanship.
The great genius of the stretchy pants is that they expand and contract with the seasons of life. My size 34 waist stretchy pants made me feel good about myself when I expanded to a size 36. I could brag to my friends that I was a sleek 34, when in reality my waist was several super sized combo meals bigger.
Another great benefit of the stretchy pants is that in wonderful times of being able to eat your body weight in the cuisine that makes you stomach balloon to over capacity, the stretchy pants allow you to stay buttoned and zipped. No more embarrassing trips to the bathroom or the refrigerator in which you’re bulging hairy navel and your Speedo style red undies are on display for your horrified family members.
My loving wife and several co-workers have expressed great distain for the stretchy pants. They simply refuse to see the tremendous benefits to mankind. If we all could just embrace this amazing apparel, we could ease the extreme discomfort and suffering of bloating and over indulgence. We could free ourselves of the old people stereo-types and from the bondage of fashion.
I imagine those who despise my stretchy pants are secretly jealous of the great freedom I enjoy. They sit in judgment over my fashion sense and mock my elastic waist bands. I personally refuse conform to their unforgiving fabrics. I will proudly wear my miraculous apparel and proclaim to the world my love for my stretchy pants.

1 comment:

gatersj said...

Ooooh Steve...I am so disappointed. I was really hoping that you would mysteriously lose any stretchy pants that you have when you moved to Oregon. For the love of fashion and so you don't get stopped by the fashion police you need to lose those pants. Thanks for the laugh :)