Sunday, April 6, 2014

The Karma of Parenting.

My Mothers voice echo's through my mind "When you have children of your own, then you will be sorry!" As an annoying child these wise words of karma went in one ear and out the other, but now they have become the words I pray will echo through the mind of my son Noah. My Mom is a praying woman and I imagine she prayed earnestly that one day I would reap what I have sewn. With a regretful heart I humbly wish to declare both My mother's wisdom and God's faithfulness in answering prayers to be true and sound. I love my son Noah. He is highly intelligent, extremely creative, fiercely tenacious and full of endless energy. These amazing qualities combined with boredom make the perfect storm in creating Annoying Boy (the answer to my dear mothers prayers.) Please know that if my son Noah was annoying because of no fault of his own such such as a two year old asking endless questions, or a Middle School student well being a Middle School student, I wouldn't be writing this blog. My son Noah is maniacally annoying for the pure purpose of driving me insane and in this dubious mission he derives a type of warped entertainment. Noah's answer to his boredom is annoying me. My evil plan as a parent to protect myself from my children's abuse is for them to keep one simple rule in mind. If you mess with your Dad I will get you back ten fold.Over the years I have been true to my promise. This strategy has worked beautifully with my daughter Kaylee. She has a healthy fear of playing practical jokes on her Dad. In Noah's case, my not so brilliant strategy has back fired. In the heart of every boy is the desire to roughhouse with their Dad. I personally believe that because boys have little desire for hugs and kisses, wrestling with Dad is way of bonding with him.Noah loves to roughhouse. He will pick on me until I get up from my chair, chase him around the house, and wrestle him into submission. Dad's use a large repertoire of submission maneuvers to keep the upper hand. These maneuvers have been handed down from generation to generation. They involve tickling, arm holds, various pressure points, Chinese chopsticks, and in extreme cases the atomic wedgie. The flaw in my plan was that after years of the forementioned maneuvers of submission my son has gone to school and can now utilize them in his pursuit of annoying his Dad.Noah enjoys my ten fold retribution and he now employing it against me. Being a highly creative child has greatly expanded his arsenal of annoying to include imaginative forms of driving me insane. Noah's barrage typically happens when I get home from work. I often unwind from my day by sitting in my chair and watching TV or reading a book. First comes a poke or two, followed by annoying noises, and usually culminates into a crescendo of some type of physical torture. This occurs several times per day. I have begun categorizing Noah's attacks into different classifications. Class Annoying Sounds consists of such things as the dreaded moist sipping and sucking sounds aimed directly at close range to the victims ears, the high range note sung at a loud and consistent level and the ever dreaded chorus of flatulence. Class Annoying Practical Joke involve things such as plastic wrap on toilet seats, ketchup packets strategically put under the toilet seat, pop-its under the toilet seat, and putting rubber bands on the kitchen sinks utility hose thus soaking the first person who turns on the facet.It has made bathroom time in our home a terrifying adventure. Class OMG that was Disgusting consists of the wet willie, ( the act of putting your spit covered finger in someones ear), the snot rocket, and my personal favorite the dreaded ice cube down my pants. Finally there is annoying class Stench. These cruel techniques involve the bad breath bomb, the belch and blow,the stinky shoe, and the fart and flee. Welcome to my world people. I would like to dedicate this blog to my amazing Mom who with smug satisfaction knows of the karma of parenting and who I now believe is offering prayers of gratitude to the God who answers prayers. To tell you the truth I don't mind all that much when Noah annoys me. My son loves to spend time with his Dad and I know as Noah stands on the doorstep of becoming a man his affection will quickly turn away from Dad and turn towards friends and females. I will long with my whole heart to wrestle my little boy once again. To quote Harry Chapin "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon." I love my son with a fierceness that words can never express and I desire for him to know that I cherish spending time with him. I will gladly spend time with Noah even if it is annoying time. Stevey Wonders if one day my amazing son will know of the karma of parenting.

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